The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
