Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
