I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
