I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
