Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
