I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
