I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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