So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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