1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
