i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
