yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
