I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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