At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
