only if we run a train.
done.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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