A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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