I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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