she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
