i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
