Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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