I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
