found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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