I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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