i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
