he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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