there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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