Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
