you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
