i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
