this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Randomize
