This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
