Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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