Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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