My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
