there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
