I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
