I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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