I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize