He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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