Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
