i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
