FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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