it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
