Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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