Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
