Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
