The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
