ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
