I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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