Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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