I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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