my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
