Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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