My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
