This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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