Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
