I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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