Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
