gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
