So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
