remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
