hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
