Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
