EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
