theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Lo siento on account of my penis...
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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